I need to backtrack a little bit here. Seems the guys were really bored the other night and itching to find some trouble. Since Mom has basically had to child-proof the house, they had to find a new kind of fun. She was downstairs and heard water running in the upstairs bathroom. Thinking they were just flushing the toilet, she didn't pay too much attention. Shame on her! Seems they found her stash of body soap and shampoo. They poured about 10 lbs. of bubble bath into a bathtub only a quarter of the way filled with water. They had bubbles and shampoo EVERYWHERE! They were sliding down the sides of the tub, tossing back vodka shooters, with the Speedos nowhere in sight. Not only did they give each other dreadlocks using dried soap, but they found the bleach and put blonde streaks in their hair. Below the dreadlocks, they braided each others' hair and embellished it with ribbons and beads. Except for Derf. He intertwined steel wool in his cornrows and paper clips on the ends. This was before the birthday fiasco.
***AFTER THE BIRTHDAY FIASCO***
I warned Mom that she would would have a disaster on her hands when she got home from work last night. They had been good (well, for them...it's all relative) for 36 hours and got her a really nice birthday present. I told her their largesse and goodness can only last so long, so be prepared. So she got home last night, only to find out that Derf broke his arm trying to pee in the sink. Seems he slipped and landed the wrong way...or something. He was drunk, so it was inevitable. Apparently they were making quite a ruckus, with loud music and singing, so the neighbors called the police, who were waiting for Mom when she got home. The other three were running around the yard in the rain, completely naked (surprise!), singing "99 Bottle of Beer on the Wall" and still wearing their party hats. Her biker friend (imaginary also) Snake was shooting his gun in the air trying to get control of the situation. That didn't go over well with the local constabulary.
Derf ended up passing out on the lawn...either from pain or from too much alcohol. Snake was in the back of the cop car and the neighbors were fuming mad. Maurice was digging in the flowerbeds looking for worms for breakfast. The other two were crying and wailing and running around yelling, "Derf's gonna die, Derf's gonna die!!!" It was a scene of utter chaos.
Mom told the cops to deal with it and do whatever they felt appropriate, she was going to clean up the stinkbugs from the morning and go to bed.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Monday, September 27, 2010
Vodka snooters and confetti
Well, today was Mom's birthday. We weren't really sure what the guys were going to do. She was telling me yesterday that they had been pretty quiet as of late. We figured they were either plotting or giving her the gift of good behavior. Turns out we were semi-right. At least she got 36 hours of good behavior out of them. So she was awakened about 7am by four hairy bastards jumping up and down on the bed, wearing party hats and holding a tray of vodka shooters. At 7 o'clock in the morning. Oh, and they were singing "Happy Birthday". Loudly. Derf was so drunk he fell off the bed. At 7 in the morning. They also had a tray of raw beef and chocolate dipped stink bugs for her dining pleasure. As they proceeded to dump 4 feet of confetti on her bed, she threw up and they got upset. They found solace in the vodka shots and sat down on the end of the bed, swinging their legs and pouting.
Later on, she had to sit them down and have a little chat with them. She explained to them that her eating habits are FAR different from theirs. She thanked them and patted them on the heads. This made them grin from drunken ear to drunken ear!! Then they started bouncing around again and brought out another tray of vodka shots and dragged her upstairs to check her e mail. I guess they started drinking cheap vodka because they managed to scrape together some cash and get her an Amazon.com gift card. They can be sweet when they want to. And when they are semi-sober.
Last thing I heard, she was still vacuuming confetti in the bedroom while Derf sat downstairs with an icepack on his head. I'm pretty sure they are going to "decorate" the house and get a party started while she is at work. Ummm...Happy Birthday Mom!
***UPDATE***
Mom just told me that the guys made her lunch. More vodka snooters (who is surprised by that?!?!) and popcorn. They dragged a HUGE gift wrapped package down the stairs, with Tony attached to it by the duct tape and Derf tied to it with ribbon. I'm not sure how they managed since they were probably drunk, but I guess no legs got broken coming down the stairs. The gift turned out to be an autographed Troy Polamalu jersey!! Holy crap, where did they get the money for *that*?? I don't even have that much money. She cried and they went crazy, hugging her and kissing her and singing. Maurice had to sit down because Derf's party hat poked him in the eye several times. They were hanging on her and smooching and yelling ,"We love you Grandma!!!!!" They were dancing around, with their braids flying and beads clacking together. Yeah, that's a whole 'nother story.
Later on, she had to sit them down and have a little chat with them. She explained to them that her eating habits are FAR different from theirs. She thanked them and patted them on the heads. This made them grin from drunken ear to drunken ear!! Then they started bouncing around again and brought out another tray of vodka shots and dragged her upstairs to check her e mail. I guess they started drinking cheap vodka because they managed to scrape together some cash and get her an Amazon.com gift card. They can be sweet when they want to. And when they are semi-sober.
Last thing I heard, she was still vacuuming confetti in the bedroom while Derf sat downstairs with an icepack on his head. I'm pretty sure they are going to "decorate" the house and get a party started while she is at work. Ummm...Happy Birthday Mom!
***UPDATE***
Mom just told me that the guys made her lunch. More vodka snooters (who is surprised by that?!?!) and popcorn. They dragged a HUGE gift wrapped package down the stairs, with Tony attached to it by the duct tape and Derf tied to it with ribbon. I'm not sure how they managed since they were probably drunk, but I guess no legs got broken coming down the stairs. The gift turned out to be an autographed Troy Polamalu jersey!! Holy crap, where did they get the money for *that*?? I don't even have that much money. She cried and they went crazy, hugging her and kissing her and singing. Maurice had to sit down because Derf's party hat poked him in the eye several times. They were hanging on her and smooching and yelling ,"We love you Grandma!!!!!" They were dancing around, with their braids flying and beads clacking together. Yeah, that's a whole 'nother story.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Here comes fall, now what?
Well, with the advent of cooler weather in PA, Mom has begun asking what the guys wear in the fall. I told her I wasn't too sure, since I only ever see them in their Speedos...year round. As far as I know, in the winter they wear Speedos with boots, socks, and scarves...oh, and ear muffs! Or ear puffs as my sister calls them. I told her she would have to take them to Goodwill and get them some long pants and long sleeved shirts. I can't wait to hear how that goes! It's enough to get them into the Speedos, I can't imagine actually taking them clothing shopping. Better she than me is all I can say!
So over the weekend, her neighbor's son was cutting their grass and apparently they had nothing but vodka shooters for breakfast. As he was mowing, they were running back and forth in front of the mower, hopping off and on, and coming damn close to getting run over. He dragged one of them over, kicking and screaming, and asked Mom if they belonged to her. She said no, but then the little bugger launched himself at her screaming, "Grandmaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" She had no option but to admit defeat. She managed , to capture the rest of them in a coffee can and slammed the lid on TIGHT!
She kept them in the garage for a bit, until she heard the tell tale sounds of havoc being wreaked. She made them beds in the garage, gave them a bowl of vodka and a jar in which to pee. She made them headbands to hold their Troy Polamalu-esque hair in place, but the little bastards used them as jock straps! Over top of the Speedos, of course. All was well for a bit while they lapped up the vodka, so she went back inside to finish making homemade tomato sauce. I guess she was in a hurry and didn't lock the garage door, because Derf came crashing in, ran through the kitchen, and instead of jumping into her arms, overshot and landed in the pot of tomato sauce. It was kind of like a lobster in a pot of boiling water. He was scratching and scraping and couldn't get out, and she was so mad, she let him in there for a minute. Of course, upon hearing his screams, the others came running inside, drunk, hooting and hollering, crashing around in the living room, running into the china cabinet, waving their hands over the heads and yelling. Tomato sauce everywhere!
As revenge for destroying the house, she threw them all in the washing machine, and then into the dryer...without dryer sheets. All she heard was, "thump thump OUCH, thump thump OUCH, thump thump ARGH!" Between the heavy duty spin cycle and the vodka, they came out ten kinds of loopy, falling all over the house.
So over the weekend, her neighbor's son was cutting their grass and apparently they had nothing but vodka shooters for breakfast. As he was mowing, they were running back and forth in front of the mower, hopping off and on, and coming damn close to getting run over. He dragged one of them over, kicking and screaming, and asked Mom if they belonged to her. She said no, but then the little bugger launched himself at her screaming, "Grandmaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" She had no option but to admit defeat. She managed , to capture the rest of them in a coffee can and slammed the lid on TIGHT!
She kept them in the garage for a bit, until she heard the tell tale sounds of havoc being wreaked. She made them beds in the garage, gave them a bowl of vodka and a jar in which to pee. She made them headbands to hold their Troy Polamalu-esque hair in place, but the little bastards used them as jock straps! Over top of the Speedos, of course. All was well for a bit while they lapped up the vodka, so she went back inside to finish making homemade tomato sauce. I guess she was in a hurry and didn't lock the garage door, because Derf came crashing in, ran through the kitchen, and instead of jumping into her arms, overshot and landed in the pot of tomato sauce. It was kind of like a lobster in a pot of boiling water. He was scratching and scraping and couldn't get out, and she was so mad, she let him in there for a minute. Of course, upon hearing his screams, the others came running inside, drunk, hooting and hollering, crashing around in the living room, running into the china cabinet, waving their hands over the heads and yelling. Tomato sauce everywhere!
As revenge for destroying the house, she threw them all in the washing machine, and then into the dryer...without dryer sheets. All she heard was, "thump thump OUCH, thump thump OUCH, thump thump ARGH!" Between the heavy duty spin cycle and the vodka, they came out ten kinds of loopy, falling all over the house.
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