I've been out of pocket lately because the guys have been wreaking so much havoc. Once South Carolina got things turned around, and started playing decent football, they abandoned Pennsylvania to follow the team around. After misbehaving at the Kentucky game and getting shipped back to me, they caused chaos across the city of Memphis. When their box came off the plane at the FedEx hub, I immediately received a call from Immigration and Customs. They wanted to know about the box full of hairy animals, addressed to me, that reeked of vodka. I told them I had no idea what they were talking about. They said there was a box sitting at the hub that reeked of vodka, was addressed to me, and seemed to be packed with some sort of animal. I told them to soak the box in vodka and ship it to Siberia. They told me it would have to be quarantined for 30 days. I said that would be fine, I should be able to move by then.
Well, about 24 hours later, the city was going wild with tales of liquor stores all over Memphis being broken into and pillaged for nothing but vodka. People reported seeing "miniature Big Foots" running from the scene wearing nothing but Speedos. Conspiracy theories abounded! Mom and I alone knew the culprits. Customs called me again and told me the box had been shredded and the contents were nowhere to be found. I told them to canvass or stake out all the liquor outlets and they'd probably find the guilty parties.
Somehow the guys made it to South Carolina for the game against Arkansas. Unfortunately we would have to lost to a high school girls flag football team. The guys were loaded out of their minds, running up and down the bleachers, swinging their Speedos on their fingers trying to get the crowd riled up, to no avail. As the game got progressively worse for us, they were running up and down the sidelines, throwing their visors, kicking people in the shins, tossing around cups of Gatorade, etc. I think I saw Maurice go sailing across the field when he kicked the Old Ball Coach in the shin. As if that wasn't enough, after the game, they slashed the tires on Arkansas' bus and then went and TP-ed the Coach's house and threw rotten eggs at his windows. That was when they ended up in jail.
Meanwhile back in PA, Derf has been a perfect little gentleman. He was nursing his broken arm and leg and driving Mom crazy, though not to the best of his ability, due to the fact that he dried out a little bit. AND, was not being antagonized by the other three. Mom said he got his casts off the other day, and a dozen mini bottles of his vodka stash fell out. Oh, let me backtrack to Halloween, when he was helping Mom hand out goodies. Everyone thought his costume was really cool, and loved his corn rows and bleached hair! When they saw his broken leg and his crutches, they felt so sorry for him. He ended up making lots of new friends and was in his glory!! Anyway, once he got his casts off, he actually started helping Mom around the house.
Since he has been so helpful lately, Mom told him he could stay up and watch the South Carolina-Florida game tonight. We were prepared to watch SC get annihilated, but MUCH to our surprise and pleasure, it worked out in our favor!!! Derf was wearing some garnet SC logo Speedos, but Mom thinks he stole them. When the score got up to 29-7, he was tearing around on the back of the couch, jumping up and down, totally hosed on vodka shooters! He fell off the couch, broke his toe, and passed out on the floor.
Meanwhile back at The Swamp....the other 3 were in a *rowdy* mood! Shocking, huh?! They were all fired up and rambunctious, but Florida's kickoff return touchdown took the wind out of their sails pretty quickly. They were sitting on the sidelines, pouring gallons of vodka into the player's Gatorade cups and chugging them as fast as they could. Well, once things started looking back up for us, it was ON!!! I have no idea A) how they got to Gainesville B) where they got any money C) how they managed to carry so much vodka, but they were running up and down the bleachers in the SC section, throwing mini bottles of vodka into the stands, running over to the Florida side, mooning them, and running away as fast as their stubby legs would carry them while laughing hysterically (and drunkenly), corn rows clanging together. Then they would go back down to the sidelines and run up and down, standing on each other's shoulders, high fiving the players. Well, at the end of the game when the Old Ball Coach was doused with Gatorade, I saw six stubby little monster legs running down the field with the Gatorade cooler over their heads. I think they were going to try and tear down the goal posts, but instead they ran smack into it and knocked themselves out. Probably a good thing because I don't think there was a drop of vodka left in the state of Florida. I can't wait to hear/read about what happened when they regained consciousness....
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Raw meat=bad idea
So I was talking to mom on the phone the other night and I kept hearing this annoying little voice whispering, "Pssst, Grandma...hey, hey Grandma!" Mom would turn away from the phone and ask Derf, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" He would smile sweetly and say nothing. So then we started talking again, and the whispering would recommence. Finally about the third time, Mom didn't even put the phone down, she just yelled, " WHAT DO YOU WANT DERF?" To which he replied, "A raw hot dog." "Why, why would you want a raw hot dog?" Mom asked. "Because you won't give me any vodka for my pain, " he replied. "Fine, fine, fine, go out to the freezer and get a raw hot dog!" "Yippee!!!!" Derf took off running/hobbling as fast as his little broken monster leg would let him. When he reached the big old chest freezer in the garage, Mom heard alot more noise than searching for a hot dog should warrant. I told her that was stupid, she should know he's going to beeline for the vodka. She assured me that she duct taped, super glued, and did everything else to the lid to make sure it couldn't be removed. I told her to tiptoe out to the garage and peek on him. Sure enough, he was out there banging away at the bottle cap with his crutch, trying to pry it off with his teeth. One firm rap on the door and he fell into the freezer trying to adjust his "innocent" look. Mom pulled him out by the scruff of the neck, grabbed a frozen hot dog and dragged him back to the couch. He sat there pouting, munching on his snack.
A little bit further into our conversation, Mom sneaked a peek at him and thought he looked a funny shade of grey/green. She asked him what was wrong and he said he didn't feel too good. She told him to go upstairs and get ready for bed and she would come check on him. About ten seconds later we heard this horrendous retching sound. Mom dropped the phone and went running upstairs only to find Derf floating in the toilet bowl amidst the remnants of his raw hot dog. Mom put on her long yellow kitchen gloves, threw him in the shower and hosed him down mightily. I think she used about two gallons of bubble bath on him. She hung him over the shower curtain to dry, but lo and behold, he fell off of it. Mom tried to flush him down the drain, but he wouldn't go....she gave up and just left him in the bathtub.
The next day he found an errant bottle of booze that Mom must have forgotten about. He got totally trashed, tried to swing from the shower rod on his own, but ended up falling and breaking his arm. So now he has a broken arm, a broken leg, and is beginning to suffer from the DTs. Mom spent all night at the ER with him while the others were chained and gagged in the basement.
A little bit further into our conversation, Mom sneaked a peek at him and thought he looked a funny shade of grey/green. She asked him what was wrong and he said he didn't feel too good. She told him to go upstairs and get ready for bed and she would come check on him. About ten seconds later we heard this horrendous retching sound. Mom dropped the phone and went running upstairs only to find Derf floating in the toilet bowl amidst the remnants of his raw hot dog. Mom put on her long yellow kitchen gloves, threw him in the shower and hosed him down mightily. I think she used about two gallons of bubble bath on him. She hung him over the shower curtain to dry, but lo and behold, he fell off of it. Mom tried to flush him down the drain, but he wouldn't go....she gave up and just left him in the bathtub.
The next day he found an errant bottle of booze that Mom must have forgotten about. He got totally trashed, tried to swing from the shower rod on his own, but ended up falling and breaking his arm. So now he has a broken arm, a broken leg, and is beginning to suffer from the DTs. Mom spent all night at the ER with him while the others were chained and gagged in the basement.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Pumping kin
Well, tis the season!! I asked Mom what the guys were going to be for Halloween, and she said themselves. Turns out they changed their minds. Now they want to dress up as Troy Polamalu!!!!! I asked her if she was taking them trick or treating and she adamantly replied, "NO!!! They want to go trick or drinking!" So today she came home from the gym and the guys were in rare form. She had some decorative pumpkins and such on the front porch and in the driveway. Well, had it been hotter, she could have made pumpkin pie. There were pumpkin remnants EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!!!!! They even resorted to stealing the neighbors pumpkins and corn cobs. I can't even print some of the things they did with the Indian Corn. Frankly, I'm embarrassed to even know them. The cops were called again, Speedos were slung over pumpkin stems and corn cobs, Derf however was not involved. I think he's sucking up to Mom so he keeps getting booze. I told her he's smarter than we give him credit!!! She's too kind. Not naive, just kind. They were so drunk, a skunk wouldn't have even said they were drunker than him! Ugh...and it's still almost 2 weeks til Halloween...hang in there Mom!
Torpedoes, convertibles and crutches
Wow, I'm not even sure where to start. The guys have been on an unholy rampage lately!!! I guess their first adventure started during the South Carolina-Alabama football game. Mom made the mistake of letting them inside so they could watch the game while she was at work. She called them and heard a ruckus...yelling, screaming, cheering, TV turned up as loud as could be. She even bought them visors like the Head Ball Coach wears...ostensibly to keep back their hair, but they took to copying the Coach and throwing them around during penalties and bad plays. I can't believe nobody has lost an eye...YET! She talked to Derf, her little buddy, and he was trying to calm her nerves as the ice was clunking into the highball glasses. By the time she got home, they were so WASTED! There was a foot of garnet and black confetti throughout the house and they were ten sheets to the wind!
It took them about five days to recover from their hangover, but by then, they were more than happy to go outside and play in the rain all day...sans Speedos, of course. They rediscovered the peroxide and put more streaks into their hair and braided it into corn rows. Oh, I must add that after their football induced debauchery, Mom ended up having to handcuff the 3 of them together. She put their arms behind their backs, and linked the cuffs, so one couldn't go anywhere without dragging the other 3 along. Derf, being Mom's fave little guy, remained out of cuffs due to his broken leg that happened during their celebration of Mom's birthday. They got back into the booze Mom thought she had hidden so well. TOTALLY blotto!!!! They stole Derf's crutch and used it to prop up one of her plants that was listing. Derf was soooooo upset, of course he went running to Grandma! The other immediately ended up back in handcuffs. I told her not to be such a sucker, he was just using her to gain access to the booze, but she said she felt sorry for him because of his leg. I told her if he hadn't been so wasted, he wouldn't have fallen off the counter while trying to pee in the kitchen sink.
They were still in cuffs as of 16 October, and watching the South Carolina-Kentucky football game. Derf was laying back on the sofa with his leg elevated, courtesy of Mom, sipping on a vodka on the rocks while the other 3 sat on the floor drinking Gatorade and wearing their visors. Not only were they mad at Mom, but the visors were flying left and right thanks to SC's crappy performance. If they threw them one time, they threw them a hundred times. Of course, everytime they did that, they had to get up as a unit and go fetch them. Needless to say they were kind of miffed at Mom. They were literally begging her, on their stubby little legs to uncuff them and give them booze. She didn't.
Soooooo.....Mom went to our cousin Tom's house to help him make sub sandwiches for his Leukemia Society fundraiser. She didn't take the guys with her on purpose, but somehow they managed to sneak into her car. Fortunately, they are invisible to everyone except us. That doesn't mean there was no monster induced mayhem though. As they had the sub assembly line set up, the guys were alternately rolling up pieces of meat and cheese and flinging onions all over the place. They put Derf in a hoagie roll and covered him with condiments then fell off the counter laughing. He couldn't move due to the broken leg until Mom rescued him and rinsed him off. So during a break, Mom and my aunt Jeanne, who is in her 80's, were sitting outside, and Jeanne asked Mom if she heard singing. Mom looked at her with a blank stare and said , "No, of course not, it must be the wind." I'm surprised she didn't gnaw off her tongue biting it. She had stopped at a greenhouse and bought a few mums to take home. The guys dragged them out of her car, set them in the driveway and were singing "Ring Around the Rosey"....loudly! Jeanne kept insisting that she heard singing and Mom tried to convince her otherwise.
Tom ended up having to make several runs to the grocery store for more provisions. He has a pick up truck with an open bed, perfect for HBs in search of adventure, right? Well, Tom's driveway is at a very steep angle, so when he was parked there, they would clamber up to the top, slide down the bed and hit the tailgate, then do it all over again. All the while laughing like the maniacal bastards they are. They even put Derf in there, with his broken leg, and shoved him downward. That time though, they didn't close the tailgate. He slid straight out the back, hit the driveway rolling, across the street and into the field on the other side. Mom had to wait until Jeanne went to the bathroom to walk across the street and pick him up. She promptly locked the other 3 in the trunk and handcuffed them together. When Tom ran to the store, the guys shanghai-ed a ride. They came back totally windblown and invigorated. They just thought that was the best thing ever. Tom kept commenting on a funny noise he heard in the truck and that maybe he should take it to the shop. Mom just smiled sweetly and said, "No, it must have just been the wind...or something."
It took them about five days to recover from their hangover, but by then, they were more than happy to go outside and play in the rain all day...sans Speedos, of course. They rediscovered the peroxide and put more streaks into their hair and braided it into corn rows. Oh, I must add that after their football induced debauchery, Mom ended up having to handcuff the 3 of them together. She put their arms behind their backs, and linked the cuffs, so one couldn't go anywhere without dragging the other 3 along. Derf, being Mom's fave little guy, remained out of cuffs due to his broken leg that happened during their celebration of Mom's birthday. They got back into the booze Mom thought she had hidden so well. TOTALLY blotto!!!! They stole Derf's crutch and used it to prop up one of her plants that was listing. Derf was soooooo upset, of course he went running to Grandma! The other immediately ended up back in handcuffs. I told her not to be such a sucker, he was just using her to gain access to the booze, but she said she felt sorry for him because of his leg. I told her if he hadn't been so wasted, he wouldn't have fallen off the counter while trying to pee in the kitchen sink.
They were still in cuffs as of 16 October, and watching the South Carolina-Kentucky football game. Derf was laying back on the sofa with his leg elevated, courtesy of Mom, sipping on a vodka on the rocks while the other 3 sat on the floor drinking Gatorade and wearing their visors. Not only were they mad at Mom, but the visors were flying left and right thanks to SC's crappy performance. If they threw them one time, they threw them a hundred times. Of course, everytime they did that, they had to get up as a unit and go fetch them. Needless to say they were kind of miffed at Mom. They were literally begging her, on their stubby little legs to uncuff them and give them booze. She didn't.
Soooooo.....Mom went to our cousin Tom's house to help him make sub sandwiches for his Leukemia Society fundraiser. She didn't take the guys with her on purpose, but somehow they managed to sneak into her car. Fortunately, they are invisible to everyone except us. That doesn't mean there was no monster induced mayhem though. As they had the sub assembly line set up, the guys were alternately rolling up pieces of meat and cheese and flinging onions all over the place. They put Derf in a hoagie roll and covered him with condiments then fell off the counter laughing. He couldn't move due to the broken leg until Mom rescued him and rinsed him off. So during a break, Mom and my aunt Jeanne, who is in her 80's, were sitting outside, and Jeanne asked Mom if she heard singing. Mom looked at her with a blank stare and said , "No, of course not, it must be the wind." I'm surprised she didn't gnaw off her tongue biting it. She had stopped at a greenhouse and bought a few mums to take home. The guys dragged them out of her car, set them in the driveway and were singing "Ring Around the Rosey"....loudly! Jeanne kept insisting that she heard singing and Mom tried to convince her otherwise.
Tom ended up having to make several runs to the grocery store for more provisions. He has a pick up truck with an open bed, perfect for HBs in search of adventure, right? Well, Tom's driveway is at a very steep angle, so when he was parked there, they would clamber up to the top, slide down the bed and hit the tailgate, then do it all over again. All the while laughing like the maniacal bastards they are. They even put Derf in there, with his broken leg, and shoved him downward. That time though, they didn't close the tailgate. He slid straight out the back, hit the driveway rolling, across the street and into the field on the other side. Mom had to wait until Jeanne went to the bathroom to walk across the street and pick him up. She promptly locked the other 3 in the trunk and handcuffed them together. When Tom ran to the store, the guys shanghai-ed a ride. They came back totally windblown and invigorated. They just thought that was the best thing ever. Tom kept commenting on a funny noise he heard in the truck and that maybe he should take it to the shop. Mom just smiled sweetly and said, "No, it must have just been the wind...or something."
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Corn rows and tin foil
I need to backtrack a little bit here. Seems the guys were really bored the other night and itching to find some trouble. Since Mom has basically had to child-proof the house, they had to find a new kind of fun. She was downstairs and heard water running in the upstairs bathroom. Thinking they were just flushing the toilet, she didn't pay too much attention. Shame on her! Seems they found her stash of body soap and shampoo. They poured about 10 lbs. of bubble bath into a bathtub only a quarter of the way filled with water. They had bubbles and shampoo EVERYWHERE! They were sliding down the sides of the tub, tossing back vodka shooters, with the Speedos nowhere in sight. Not only did they give each other dreadlocks using dried soap, but they found the bleach and put blonde streaks in their hair. Below the dreadlocks, they braided each others' hair and embellished it with ribbons and beads. Except for Derf. He intertwined steel wool in his cornrows and paper clips on the ends. This was before the birthday fiasco.
***AFTER THE BIRTHDAY FIASCO***
I warned Mom that she would would have a disaster on her hands when she got home from work last night. They had been good (well, for them...it's all relative) for 36 hours and got her a really nice birthday present. I told her their largesse and goodness can only last so long, so be prepared. So she got home last night, only to find out that Derf broke his arm trying to pee in the sink. Seems he slipped and landed the wrong way...or something. He was drunk, so it was inevitable. Apparently they were making quite a ruckus, with loud music and singing, so the neighbors called the police, who were waiting for Mom when she got home. The other three were running around the yard in the rain, completely naked (surprise!), singing "99 Bottle of Beer on the Wall" and still wearing their party hats. Her biker friend (imaginary also) Snake was shooting his gun in the air trying to get control of the situation. That didn't go over well with the local constabulary.
Derf ended up passing out on the lawn...either from pain or from too much alcohol. Snake was in the back of the cop car and the neighbors were fuming mad. Maurice was digging in the flowerbeds looking for worms for breakfast. The other two were crying and wailing and running around yelling, "Derf's gonna die, Derf's gonna die!!!" It was a scene of utter chaos.
Mom told the cops to deal with it and do whatever they felt appropriate, she was going to clean up the stinkbugs from the morning and go to bed.
***AFTER THE BIRTHDAY FIASCO***
I warned Mom that she would would have a disaster on her hands when she got home from work last night. They had been good (well, for them...it's all relative) for 36 hours and got her a really nice birthday present. I told her their largesse and goodness can only last so long, so be prepared. So she got home last night, only to find out that Derf broke his arm trying to pee in the sink. Seems he slipped and landed the wrong way...or something. He was drunk, so it was inevitable. Apparently they were making quite a ruckus, with loud music and singing, so the neighbors called the police, who were waiting for Mom when she got home. The other three were running around the yard in the rain, completely naked (surprise!), singing "99 Bottle of Beer on the Wall" and still wearing their party hats. Her biker friend (imaginary also) Snake was shooting his gun in the air trying to get control of the situation. That didn't go over well with the local constabulary.
Derf ended up passing out on the lawn...either from pain or from too much alcohol. Snake was in the back of the cop car and the neighbors were fuming mad. Maurice was digging in the flowerbeds looking for worms for breakfast. The other two were crying and wailing and running around yelling, "Derf's gonna die, Derf's gonna die!!!" It was a scene of utter chaos.
Mom told the cops to deal with it and do whatever they felt appropriate, she was going to clean up the stinkbugs from the morning and go to bed.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Vodka snooters and confetti
Well, today was Mom's birthday. We weren't really sure what the guys were going to do. She was telling me yesterday that they had been pretty quiet as of late. We figured they were either plotting or giving her the gift of good behavior. Turns out we were semi-right. At least she got 36 hours of good behavior out of them. So she was awakened about 7am by four hairy bastards jumping up and down on the bed, wearing party hats and holding a tray of vodka shooters. At 7 o'clock in the morning. Oh, and they were singing "Happy Birthday". Loudly. Derf was so drunk he fell off the bed. At 7 in the morning. They also had a tray of raw beef and chocolate dipped stink bugs for her dining pleasure. As they proceeded to dump 4 feet of confetti on her bed, she threw up and they got upset. They found solace in the vodka shots and sat down on the end of the bed, swinging their legs and pouting.
Later on, she had to sit them down and have a little chat with them. She explained to them that her eating habits are FAR different from theirs. She thanked them and patted them on the heads. This made them grin from drunken ear to drunken ear!! Then they started bouncing around again and brought out another tray of vodka shots and dragged her upstairs to check her e mail. I guess they started drinking cheap vodka because they managed to scrape together some cash and get her an Amazon.com gift card. They can be sweet when they want to. And when they are semi-sober.
Last thing I heard, she was still vacuuming confetti in the bedroom while Derf sat downstairs with an icepack on his head. I'm pretty sure they are going to "decorate" the house and get a party started while she is at work. Ummm...Happy Birthday Mom!
***UPDATE***
Mom just told me that the guys made her lunch. More vodka snooters (who is surprised by that?!?!) and popcorn. They dragged a HUGE gift wrapped package down the stairs, with Tony attached to it by the duct tape and Derf tied to it with ribbon. I'm not sure how they managed since they were probably drunk, but I guess no legs got broken coming down the stairs. The gift turned out to be an autographed Troy Polamalu jersey!! Holy crap, where did they get the money for *that*?? I don't even have that much money. She cried and they went crazy, hugging her and kissing her and singing. Maurice had to sit down because Derf's party hat poked him in the eye several times. They were hanging on her and smooching and yelling ,"We love you Grandma!!!!!" They were dancing around, with their braids flying and beads clacking together. Yeah, that's a whole 'nother story.
Later on, she had to sit them down and have a little chat with them. She explained to them that her eating habits are FAR different from theirs. She thanked them and patted them on the heads. This made them grin from drunken ear to drunken ear!! Then they started bouncing around again and brought out another tray of vodka shots and dragged her upstairs to check her e mail. I guess they started drinking cheap vodka because they managed to scrape together some cash and get her an Amazon.com gift card. They can be sweet when they want to. And when they are semi-sober.
Last thing I heard, she was still vacuuming confetti in the bedroom while Derf sat downstairs with an icepack on his head. I'm pretty sure they are going to "decorate" the house and get a party started while she is at work. Ummm...Happy Birthday Mom!
***UPDATE***
Mom just told me that the guys made her lunch. More vodka snooters (who is surprised by that?!?!) and popcorn. They dragged a HUGE gift wrapped package down the stairs, with Tony attached to it by the duct tape and Derf tied to it with ribbon. I'm not sure how they managed since they were probably drunk, but I guess no legs got broken coming down the stairs. The gift turned out to be an autographed Troy Polamalu jersey!! Holy crap, where did they get the money for *that*?? I don't even have that much money. She cried and they went crazy, hugging her and kissing her and singing. Maurice had to sit down because Derf's party hat poked him in the eye several times. They were hanging on her and smooching and yelling ,"We love you Grandma!!!!!" They were dancing around, with their braids flying and beads clacking together. Yeah, that's a whole 'nother story.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Here comes fall, now what?
Well, with the advent of cooler weather in PA, Mom has begun asking what the guys wear in the fall. I told her I wasn't too sure, since I only ever see them in their Speedos...year round. As far as I know, in the winter they wear Speedos with boots, socks, and scarves...oh, and ear muffs! Or ear puffs as my sister calls them. I told her she would have to take them to Goodwill and get them some long pants and long sleeved shirts. I can't wait to hear how that goes! It's enough to get them into the Speedos, I can't imagine actually taking them clothing shopping. Better she than me is all I can say!
So over the weekend, her neighbor's son was cutting their grass and apparently they had nothing but vodka shooters for breakfast. As he was mowing, they were running back and forth in front of the mower, hopping off and on, and coming damn close to getting run over. He dragged one of them over, kicking and screaming, and asked Mom if they belonged to her. She said no, but then the little bugger launched himself at her screaming, "Grandmaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" She had no option but to admit defeat. She managed , to capture the rest of them in a coffee can and slammed the lid on TIGHT!
She kept them in the garage for a bit, until she heard the tell tale sounds of havoc being wreaked. She made them beds in the garage, gave them a bowl of vodka and a jar in which to pee. She made them headbands to hold their Troy Polamalu-esque hair in place, but the little bastards used them as jock straps! Over top of the Speedos, of course. All was well for a bit while they lapped up the vodka, so she went back inside to finish making homemade tomato sauce. I guess she was in a hurry and didn't lock the garage door, because Derf came crashing in, ran through the kitchen, and instead of jumping into her arms, overshot and landed in the pot of tomato sauce. It was kind of like a lobster in a pot of boiling water. He was scratching and scraping and couldn't get out, and she was so mad, she let him in there for a minute. Of course, upon hearing his screams, the others came running inside, drunk, hooting and hollering, crashing around in the living room, running into the china cabinet, waving their hands over the heads and yelling. Tomato sauce everywhere!
As revenge for destroying the house, she threw them all in the washing machine, and then into the dryer...without dryer sheets. All she heard was, "thump thump OUCH, thump thump OUCH, thump thump ARGH!" Between the heavy duty spin cycle and the vodka, they came out ten kinds of loopy, falling all over the house.
So over the weekend, her neighbor's son was cutting their grass and apparently they had nothing but vodka shooters for breakfast. As he was mowing, they were running back and forth in front of the mower, hopping off and on, and coming damn close to getting run over. He dragged one of them over, kicking and screaming, and asked Mom if they belonged to her. She said no, but then the little bugger launched himself at her screaming, "Grandmaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" She had no option but to admit defeat. She managed , to capture the rest of them in a coffee can and slammed the lid on TIGHT!
She kept them in the garage for a bit, until she heard the tell tale sounds of havoc being wreaked. She made them beds in the garage, gave them a bowl of vodka and a jar in which to pee. She made them headbands to hold their Troy Polamalu-esque hair in place, but the little bastards used them as jock straps! Over top of the Speedos, of course. All was well for a bit while they lapped up the vodka, so she went back inside to finish making homemade tomato sauce. I guess she was in a hurry and didn't lock the garage door, because Derf came crashing in, ran through the kitchen, and instead of jumping into her arms, overshot and landed in the pot of tomato sauce. It was kind of like a lobster in a pot of boiling water. He was scratching and scraping and couldn't get out, and she was so mad, she let him in there for a minute. Of course, upon hearing his screams, the others came running inside, drunk, hooting and hollering, crashing around in the living room, running into the china cabinet, waving their hands over the heads and yelling. Tomato sauce everywhere!
As revenge for destroying the house, she threw them all in the washing machine, and then into the dryer...without dryer sheets. All she heard was, "thump thump OUCH, thump thump OUCH, thump thump ARGH!" Between the heavy duty spin cycle and the vodka, they came out ten kinds of loopy, falling all over the house.
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