So I was talking to mom on the phone the other night and I kept hearing this annoying little voice whispering, "Pssst, Grandma...hey, hey Grandma!" Mom would turn away from the phone and ask Derf, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" He would smile sweetly and say nothing. So then we started talking again, and the whispering would recommence. Finally about the third time, Mom didn't even put the phone down, she just yelled, " WHAT DO YOU WANT DERF?" To which he replied, "A raw hot dog." "Why, why would you want a raw hot dog?" Mom asked. "Because you won't give me any vodka for my pain, " he replied. "Fine, fine, fine, go out to the freezer and get a raw hot dog!" "Yippee!!!!" Derf took off running/hobbling as fast as his little broken monster leg would let him. When he reached the big old chest freezer in the garage, Mom heard alot more noise than searching for a hot dog should warrant. I told her that was stupid, she should know he's going to beeline for the vodka. She assured me that she duct taped, super glued, and did everything else to the lid to make sure it couldn't be removed. I told her to tiptoe out to the garage and peek on him. Sure enough, he was out there banging away at the bottle cap with his crutch, trying to pry it off with his teeth. One firm rap on the door and he fell into the freezer trying to adjust his "innocent" look. Mom pulled him out by the scruff of the neck, grabbed a frozen hot dog and dragged him back to the couch. He sat there pouting, munching on his snack.
A little bit further into our conversation, Mom sneaked a peek at him and thought he looked a funny shade of grey/green. She asked him what was wrong and he said he didn't feel too good. She told him to go upstairs and get ready for bed and she would come check on him. About ten seconds later we heard this horrendous retching sound. Mom dropped the phone and went running upstairs only to find Derf floating in the toilet bowl amidst the remnants of his raw hot dog. Mom put on her long yellow kitchen gloves, threw him in the shower and hosed him down mightily. I think she used about two gallons of bubble bath on him. She hung him over the shower curtain to dry, but lo and behold, he fell off of it. Mom tried to flush him down the drain, but he wouldn't go....she gave up and just left him in the bathtub.
The next day he found an errant bottle of booze that Mom must have forgotten about. He got totally trashed, tried to swing from the shower rod on his own, but ended up falling and breaking his arm. So now he has a broken arm, a broken leg, and is beginning to suffer from the DTs. Mom spent all night at the ER with him while the others were chained and gagged in the basement.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Monday, October 18, 2010
Pumping kin
Well, tis the season!! I asked Mom what the guys were going to be for Halloween, and she said themselves. Turns out they changed their minds. Now they want to dress up as Troy Polamalu!!!!! I asked her if she was taking them trick or treating and she adamantly replied, "NO!!! They want to go trick or drinking!" So today she came home from the gym and the guys were in rare form. She had some decorative pumpkins and such on the front porch and in the driveway. Well, had it been hotter, she could have made pumpkin pie. There were pumpkin remnants EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!!!!! They even resorted to stealing the neighbors pumpkins and corn cobs. I can't even print some of the things they did with the Indian Corn. Frankly, I'm embarrassed to even know them. The cops were called again, Speedos were slung over pumpkin stems and corn cobs, Derf however was not involved. I think he's sucking up to Mom so he keeps getting booze. I told her he's smarter than we give him credit!!! She's too kind. Not naive, just kind. They were so drunk, a skunk wouldn't have even said they were drunker than him! Ugh...and it's still almost 2 weeks til Halloween...hang in there Mom!
Torpedoes, convertibles and crutches
Wow, I'm not even sure where to start. The guys have been on an unholy rampage lately!!! I guess their first adventure started during the South Carolina-Alabama football game. Mom made the mistake of letting them inside so they could watch the game while she was at work. She called them and heard a ruckus...yelling, screaming, cheering, TV turned up as loud as could be. She even bought them visors like the Head Ball Coach wears...ostensibly to keep back their hair, but they took to copying the Coach and throwing them around during penalties and bad plays. I can't believe nobody has lost an eye...YET! She talked to Derf, her little buddy, and he was trying to calm her nerves as the ice was clunking into the highball glasses. By the time she got home, they were so WASTED! There was a foot of garnet and black confetti throughout the house and they were ten sheets to the wind!
It took them about five days to recover from their hangover, but by then, they were more than happy to go outside and play in the rain all day...sans Speedos, of course. They rediscovered the peroxide and put more streaks into their hair and braided it into corn rows. Oh, I must add that after their football induced debauchery, Mom ended up having to handcuff the 3 of them together. She put their arms behind their backs, and linked the cuffs, so one couldn't go anywhere without dragging the other 3 along. Derf, being Mom's fave little guy, remained out of cuffs due to his broken leg that happened during their celebration of Mom's birthday. They got back into the booze Mom thought she had hidden so well. TOTALLY blotto!!!! They stole Derf's crutch and used it to prop up one of her plants that was listing. Derf was soooooo upset, of course he went running to Grandma! The other immediately ended up back in handcuffs. I told her not to be such a sucker, he was just using her to gain access to the booze, but she said she felt sorry for him because of his leg. I told her if he hadn't been so wasted, he wouldn't have fallen off the counter while trying to pee in the kitchen sink.
They were still in cuffs as of 16 October, and watching the South Carolina-Kentucky football game. Derf was laying back on the sofa with his leg elevated, courtesy of Mom, sipping on a vodka on the rocks while the other 3 sat on the floor drinking Gatorade and wearing their visors. Not only were they mad at Mom, but the visors were flying left and right thanks to SC's crappy performance. If they threw them one time, they threw them a hundred times. Of course, everytime they did that, they had to get up as a unit and go fetch them. Needless to say they were kind of miffed at Mom. They were literally begging her, on their stubby little legs to uncuff them and give them booze. She didn't.
Soooooo.....Mom went to our cousin Tom's house to help him make sub sandwiches for his Leukemia Society fundraiser. She didn't take the guys with her on purpose, but somehow they managed to sneak into her car. Fortunately, they are invisible to everyone except us. That doesn't mean there was no monster induced mayhem though. As they had the sub assembly line set up, the guys were alternately rolling up pieces of meat and cheese and flinging onions all over the place. They put Derf in a hoagie roll and covered him with condiments then fell off the counter laughing. He couldn't move due to the broken leg until Mom rescued him and rinsed him off. So during a break, Mom and my aunt Jeanne, who is in her 80's, were sitting outside, and Jeanne asked Mom if she heard singing. Mom looked at her with a blank stare and said , "No, of course not, it must be the wind." I'm surprised she didn't gnaw off her tongue biting it. She had stopped at a greenhouse and bought a few mums to take home. The guys dragged them out of her car, set them in the driveway and were singing "Ring Around the Rosey"....loudly! Jeanne kept insisting that she heard singing and Mom tried to convince her otherwise.
Tom ended up having to make several runs to the grocery store for more provisions. He has a pick up truck with an open bed, perfect for HBs in search of adventure, right? Well, Tom's driveway is at a very steep angle, so when he was parked there, they would clamber up to the top, slide down the bed and hit the tailgate, then do it all over again. All the while laughing like the maniacal bastards they are. They even put Derf in there, with his broken leg, and shoved him downward. That time though, they didn't close the tailgate. He slid straight out the back, hit the driveway rolling, across the street and into the field on the other side. Mom had to wait until Jeanne went to the bathroom to walk across the street and pick him up. She promptly locked the other 3 in the trunk and handcuffed them together. When Tom ran to the store, the guys shanghai-ed a ride. They came back totally windblown and invigorated. They just thought that was the best thing ever. Tom kept commenting on a funny noise he heard in the truck and that maybe he should take it to the shop. Mom just smiled sweetly and said, "No, it must have just been the wind...or something."
It took them about five days to recover from their hangover, but by then, they were more than happy to go outside and play in the rain all day...sans Speedos, of course. They rediscovered the peroxide and put more streaks into their hair and braided it into corn rows. Oh, I must add that after their football induced debauchery, Mom ended up having to handcuff the 3 of them together. She put their arms behind their backs, and linked the cuffs, so one couldn't go anywhere without dragging the other 3 along. Derf, being Mom's fave little guy, remained out of cuffs due to his broken leg that happened during their celebration of Mom's birthday. They got back into the booze Mom thought she had hidden so well. TOTALLY blotto!!!! They stole Derf's crutch and used it to prop up one of her plants that was listing. Derf was soooooo upset, of course he went running to Grandma! The other immediately ended up back in handcuffs. I told her not to be such a sucker, he was just using her to gain access to the booze, but she said she felt sorry for him because of his leg. I told her if he hadn't been so wasted, he wouldn't have fallen off the counter while trying to pee in the kitchen sink.
They were still in cuffs as of 16 October, and watching the South Carolina-Kentucky football game. Derf was laying back on the sofa with his leg elevated, courtesy of Mom, sipping on a vodka on the rocks while the other 3 sat on the floor drinking Gatorade and wearing their visors. Not only were they mad at Mom, but the visors were flying left and right thanks to SC's crappy performance. If they threw them one time, they threw them a hundred times. Of course, everytime they did that, they had to get up as a unit and go fetch them. Needless to say they were kind of miffed at Mom. They were literally begging her, on their stubby little legs to uncuff them and give them booze. She didn't.
Soooooo.....Mom went to our cousin Tom's house to help him make sub sandwiches for his Leukemia Society fundraiser. She didn't take the guys with her on purpose, but somehow they managed to sneak into her car. Fortunately, they are invisible to everyone except us. That doesn't mean there was no monster induced mayhem though. As they had the sub assembly line set up, the guys were alternately rolling up pieces of meat and cheese and flinging onions all over the place. They put Derf in a hoagie roll and covered him with condiments then fell off the counter laughing. He couldn't move due to the broken leg until Mom rescued him and rinsed him off. So during a break, Mom and my aunt Jeanne, who is in her 80's, were sitting outside, and Jeanne asked Mom if she heard singing. Mom looked at her with a blank stare and said , "No, of course not, it must be the wind." I'm surprised she didn't gnaw off her tongue biting it. She had stopped at a greenhouse and bought a few mums to take home. The guys dragged them out of her car, set them in the driveway and were singing "Ring Around the Rosey"....loudly! Jeanne kept insisting that she heard singing and Mom tried to convince her otherwise.
Tom ended up having to make several runs to the grocery store for more provisions. He has a pick up truck with an open bed, perfect for HBs in search of adventure, right? Well, Tom's driveway is at a very steep angle, so when he was parked there, they would clamber up to the top, slide down the bed and hit the tailgate, then do it all over again. All the while laughing like the maniacal bastards they are. They even put Derf in there, with his broken leg, and shoved him downward. That time though, they didn't close the tailgate. He slid straight out the back, hit the driveway rolling, across the street and into the field on the other side. Mom had to wait until Jeanne went to the bathroom to walk across the street and pick him up. She promptly locked the other 3 in the trunk and handcuffed them together. When Tom ran to the store, the guys shanghai-ed a ride. They came back totally windblown and invigorated. They just thought that was the best thing ever. Tom kept commenting on a funny noise he heard in the truck and that maybe he should take it to the shop. Mom just smiled sweetly and said, "No, it must have just been the wind...or something."
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