Well, I've never been accused of having good ideas, and taking the guys to work with me, definitely ranks as one of my less than brilliant ones. I chatted with them for about 2 hours ahead of time and told them that even though I hate my job, they still had to behave. I made sure to pack plenty of crayons, coloring books, activity pads, snacks, and drawing paper. I could have taken the entire dollar store inventory with me and they still would have been bored in less than four hours.
"Dear UP: Hooray! We're going to work with the bitch tonight! Oh boy, a change of scenery and new people! Maybe she'll even take us to IHOP in the morning!" Love, the monsters
"Dear Monsters: You little bad asses better mind your Ps and Qs! Tell her to take you to Perkins instead." Love, UP
I know how tuckered out I get after my usual 12 hour shift, I was hoping the same would apply to them. Hahaha! WTF was I thinking? Seriously. WTF was I thinking?! I should have known that monsters and tractor trailers wouldn't mix. I think it's pretty safe to say that they enjoyed several unauthorized spins around the parking lot while clinging to the back of the trailer. That of course, was after I had to scrape Derf off the grille of the truck and calm the driver. Derf of course, was okay.
Other than their usual antics and the aforementioned diversions, the night pretty much passed without incident. However, nothing good lasts forever. We still had the hour long drive home. If I had any idea what to do with four sets of stubby monster legs...
After rounding them up and getting them out of the automatic sprinklers, which earned them a seat on statically charged garbage bags, I not only had to endure the usual, "Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" But a Larry led chant of "IHOP, IHOP, IHOP, IHOP!" I still twitch a little bit when I see their commercials. Oh, and did I mention having four sets of stubby monster legs kicking the back of my seat the ENTIRE way home? Fortunately the misconceived notion that they were going out for breakfast seemed to sap some of their energy and I managed to corral them back under the bed. Needless to say, IHOP was not a part of their day.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
It seemed like a good idea to get the guys a cell phone...just for emergencies of course. What a bad idea on my part to think that they would use it for that intended purpose. I'm going to intersperse their tales of destruction with some of the text messages they send to the bf while I am asleep, at work, or busy. They address him as UP, in homage to his nickname of Uncle Percy. It's a long story, don't ask.
Let's see, I got home from work early Sunday and morning and promptly went to bed. Sometime during my slumber, the guys figured out how to use the camera feature on the phone.
"Dear UP: Boy do we have pix for you! PS, how do you get honey out of fur?" Love, the monsters
"Dear Monsters: Send 'em. Hot water. " Love, UP
"Dear UP: Soon as we get the phone unstuck from the honey on the side of Maurice's head." Love, the monsters
"Dear Monsters: Try not to get the phone wet." Love, UP
"Dear UP: You=Genius!!!" Love, the monsters
"Dear Monsters: I know." Love, UP
Eventually...and thankfully, I woke up to a semi quiet house. Seems the boys let themselves out in the hundred degree heat and got a little pooped, so aside from their snoring, it was peaceful. I tried to quietly get together my gym gear and sneak out of the house without having to take them to the pool at the Y with me. Hahaha!!! I could have been made of spider webs and they still would have heard me. "Hey lady, where ya going?" Massive eyeroll and muttering under my breath, "To the gym, but you guys aren't going." "WTF, why not?" "Because I said so." "Oh come on, come on, come on (times 4), WE PROMISE TO BEHAVE!!!" they whined.
"Dear UP: OH BOY!!!! THE BITCH IS TAKING US TO THE POOL!!!!!!!!!!! HOORAY!!!!!" Love, the monsters
"Dear Monsters: You little bastards behave! And stay out of the ladies changing room this time!" Love, UP
"Dear UP: We promise to behave! OH BOY! THIS IS GOING TO BE AWESOME! We get to wear our new red Speedos too!" Love, the monsters
"Dear Monsters: I could have gone all day without that visual." Love, UP
Having no choice but to take them with me, I made it abundantly clear that they were to behave while I was doing my workout. Thank goodness the nursery was empty and there was a Spongebob marathon on TV. We headed out to the pool, which is basically an outdoor kiddie pool with water slides and all kinds of water spraying fixtures. There's a nice regulation pool inside as well, but it's nice to be able to sit outside...at its deepest, I believe the pool is four feet. We found seats and I unpacked and blew up four sets of water wings, and four floatie rings. After about ten minutes, I realized that an entire contingent of NFL referees could not have kept the monster induced chaos under control. After threatening to yank my membership and giving the guys a VERY stern talking to, management allowed us to stay.
All was okay until I heard a horrible noise coming from the waterslides. It's that screechy kind of noise you get when flesh sticks to plastic. My initial reaction was to cringe and think, "Geez, I feel sorry for that poor kid." I lowered my sunglasses and went back to staring at the clouds. A few minutes later I looked over to check on the guys, and to my amazement, shock, and horror, I saw a tiny, monster sized red Speedo come sailing out of the end of the slide. It was not attached to a monster. Sure enough, in quick succession, the other three followed. By this time everyone had cleared out of that area. Eventually I saw two stubby legs at the end of the tube. The screechy, flesh sticking to warm plastice noise continued, interspersed with muffled giggles. Exasperated beyond belief, I got a hose and promptly shot cold water up the slide. This jarred them loose and they all came tumbling out in a heap of wet fur, sans Speedos.
We were immediately asked to leave for the rest of the day.
"Dear UP: Thanks to your hairy friends, I am now forever banned from all YMCA swimming pools." Stressfully yours, the bitch
"Dear Bitch: WTF were you thinking?" Love, UP
"Dear UP: The only plus is that they are totally worn out. They each had one beer and fell asleep. They almost look innocent. I don't know what I was thinking." Love, the bitch
Let's see, I got home from work early Sunday and morning and promptly went to bed. Sometime during my slumber, the guys figured out how to use the camera feature on the phone.
"Dear UP: Boy do we have pix for you! PS, how do you get honey out of fur?" Love, the monsters
"Dear Monsters: Send 'em. Hot water. " Love, UP
"Dear UP: Soon as we get the phone unstuck from the honey on the side of Maurice's head." Love, the monsters
"Dear Monsters: Try not to get the phone wet." Love, UP
"Dear UP: You=Genius!!!" Love, the monsters
"Dear Monsters: I know." Love, UP
Eventually...and thankfully, I woke up to a semi quiet house. Seems the boys let themselves out in the hundred degree heat and got a little pooped, so aside from their snoring, it was peaceful. I tried to quietly get together my gym gear and sneak out of the house without having to take them to the pool at the Y with me. Hahaha!!! I could have been made of spider webs and they still would have heard me. "Hey lady, where ya going?" Massive eyeroll and muttering under my breath, "To the gym, but you guys aren't going." "WTF, why not?" "Because I said so." "Oh come on, come on, come on (times 4), WE PROMISE TO BEHAVE!!!" they whined.
"Dear UP: OH BOY!!!! THE BITCH IS TAKING US TO THE POOL!!!!!!!!!!! HOORAY!!!!!" Love, the monsters
"Dear Monsters: You little bastards behave! And stay out of the ladies changing room this time!" Love, UP
"Dear UP: We promise to behave! OH BOY! THIS IS GOING TO BE AWESOME! We get to wear our new red Speedos too!" Love, the monsters
"Dear Monsters: I could have gone all day without that visual." Love, UP
Having no choice but to take them with me, I made it abundantly clear that they were to behave while I was doing my workout. Thank goodness the nursery was empty and there was a Spongebob marathon on TV. We headed out to the pool, which is basically an outdoor kiddie pool with water slides and all kinds of water spraying fixtures. There's a nice regulation pool inside as well, but it's nice to be able to sit outside...at its deepest, I believe the pool is four feet. We found seats and I unpacked and blew up four sets of water wings, and four floatie rings. After about ten minutes, I realized that an entire contingent of NFL referees could not have kept the monster induced chaos under control. After threatening to yank my membership and giving the guys a VERY stern talking to, management allowed us to stay.
All was okay until I heard a horrible noise coming from the waterslides. It's that screechy kind of noise you get when flesh sticks to plastic. My initial reaction was to cringe and think, "Geez, I feel sorry for that poor kid." I lowered my sunglasses and went back to staring at the clouds. A few minutes later I looked over to check on the guys, and to my amazement, shock, and horror, I saw a tiny, monster sized red Speedo come sailing out of the end of the slide. It was not attached to a monster. Sure enough, in quick succession, the other three followed. By this time everyone had cleared out of that area. Eventually I saw two stubby legs at the end of the tube. The screechy, flesh sticking to warm plastice noise continued, interspersed with muffled giggles. Exasperated beyond belief, I got a hose and promptly shot cold water up the slide. This jarred them loose and they all came tumbling out in a heap of wet fur, sans Speedos.
We were immediately asked to leave for the rest of the day.
"Dear UP: Thanks to your hairy friends, I am now forever banned from all YMCA swimming pools." Stressfully yours, the bitch
"Dear Bitch: WTF were you thinking?" Love, UP
"Dear UP: The only plus is that they are totally worn out. They each had one beer and fell asleep. They almost look innocent. I don't know what I was thinking." Love, the bitch
In the beginning...
Monsters under the bed. That invaluable parenting tool beloved by generations of guardians to keep their minions cowed and subservient, but most importantly, in bed. My parents never chose to use this method on me for some reason; I actually stayed in bed. I never believed in monsters anyway until about a month or so ago. And mind you, I'm soon to be 38 years old.
It all started with a seemingly innocuous phone chat with my boyfriend. He is an over the road truck driver, with plenty of time to kill during the day. I do not recall exactly how the conversation began, but I do remember him chiding me about my hesitation to read Stephen King. Since I began this though, I have successfully read "IT", managing to only scare myself wit-less a dozen or so times. However, prior to this, the bf, in his infinite wisdom, tried to convince me that one of the best things about reading Stephen King was the monsters under the bed. I failed to see how that was a good thing, but it did give birth to a legend. Or rather, four little legends.
What began as four 7' tall monsters with yellow eyes, bloody fangs, and foot long claws eventually turned into something else entirely. I am now the proud "parent" of four 2' tall hairy, rambunctious, energetic, pesky, fun loving, mischievous monsters. Yep, that's correct. I said monsters. Before they became my cute and cuddly little wards though, they would terrorize me on a daily basis...truly living up to their moniker of "monsters under the bed." I'm not sure why or how they devolved, but I'm glad! I guess once they realized they weren't going to beat me, they decided to join me.
What follows here is an epic (?) account of their day to day (mis) adventures. I'm going to try to put it in some semblance of order. I'm mostly doing it for grins and giggles. It just seemed like too good of an idea to pass up, so I hope you enjoy it. Please bear with me while I tinker around. Thanks for reading and stopping by! Love, the monsters (Derf, Larry, Tony, and Maurice)
It all started with a seemingly innocuous phone chat with my boyfriend. He is an over the road truck driver, with plenty of time to kill during the day. I do not recall exactly how the conversation began, but I do remember him chiding me about my hesitation to read Stephen King. Since I began this though, I have successfully read "IT", managing to only scare myself wit-less a dozen or so times. However, prior to this, the bf, in his infinite wisdom, tried to convince me that one of the best things about reading Stephen King was the monsters under the bed. I failed to see how that was a good thing, but it did give birth to a legend. Or rather, four little legends.
What began as four 7' tall monsters with yellow eyes, bloody fangs, and foot long claws eventually turned into something else entirely. I am now the proud "parent" of four 2' tall hairy, rambunctious, energetic, pesky, fun loving, mischievous monsters. Yep, that's correct. I said monsters. Before they became my cute and cuddly little wards though, they would terrorize me on a daily basis...truly living up to their moniker of "monsters under the bed." I'm not sure why or how they devolved, but I'm glad! I guess once they realized they weren't going to beat me, they decided to join me.
What follows here is an epic (?) account of their day to day (mis) adventures. I'm going to try to put it in some semblance of order. I'm mostly doing it for grins and giggles. It just seemed like too good of an idea to pass up, so I hope you enjoy it. Please bear with me while I tinker around. Thanks for reading and stopping by! Love, the monsters (Derf, Larry, Tony, and Maurice)
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