It seemed like a good idea to get the guys a cell phone...just for emergencies of course. What a bad idea on my part to think that they would use it for that intended purpose. I'm going to intersperse their tales of destruction with some of the text messages they send to the bf while I am asleep, at work, or busy. They address him as UP, in homage to his nickname of Uncle Percy. It's a long story, don't ask.

Let's see, I got home from work early Sunday and morning and promptly went to bed. Sometime during my slumber, the guys figured out how to use the camera feature on the phone.

"Dear UP: Boy do we have pix for you! PS, how do you get honey out of fur?" Love, the monsters
"Dear Monsters: Send 'em. Hot water. " Love, UP
"Dear UP: Soon as we get the phone unstuck from the honey on the side of Maurice's head." Love, the monsters
"Dear Monsters: Try not to get the phone wet." Love, UP
"Dear UP: You=Genius!!!" Love, the monsters
"Dear Monsters: I know." Love, UP

Eventually...and thankfully, I woke up to a semi quiet house. Seems the boys let themselves out in the hundred degree heat and got a little pooped, so aside from their snoring, it was peaceful. I tried to quietly get together my gym gear and sneak out of the house without having to take them to the pool at the Y with me. Hahaha!!! I could have been made of spider webs and they still would have heard me. "Hey lady, where ya going?" Massive eyeroll and muttering under my breath, "To the gym, but you guys aren't going." "WTF, why not?" "Because I said so." "Oh come on, come on, come on (times 4), WE PROMISE TO BEHAVE!!!" they whined.

"Dear UP: OH BOY!!!! THE BITCH IS TAKING US TO THE POOL!!!!!!!!!!! HOORAY!!!!!" Love, the monsters
"Dear Monsters: You little bastards behave! And stay out of the ladies changing room this time!" Love, UP
"Dear UP: We promise to behave! OH BOY! THIS IS GOING TO BE AWESOME! We get to wear our new red Speedos too!" Love, the monsters
"Dear Monsters: I could have gone all day without that visual." Love, UP

Having no choice but to take them with me, I made it abundantly clear that they were to behave while I was doing my workout. Thank goodness the nursery was empty and there was a Spongebob marathon on TV. We headed out to the pool, which is basically an outdoor kiddie pool with water slides and all kinds of water spraying fixtures. There's a nice regulation pool inside as well, but it's nice to be able to sit outside...at its deepest, I believe the pool is four feet. We found seats and I unpacked and blew up four sets of water wings, and four floatie rings. After about ten minutes, I realized that an entire contingent of NFL referees could not have kept the monster induced chaos under control. After threatening to yank my membership and giving the guys a VERY stern talking to, management allowed us to stay.

All was okay until I heard a horrible noise coming from the waterslides. It's that screechy kind of noise you get when flesh sticks to plastic. My initial reaction was to cringe and think, "Geez, I feel sorry for that poor kid." I lowered my sunglasses and went back to staring at the clouds. A few minutes later I looked over to check on the guys, and to my amazement, shock, and horror, I saw a tiny, monster sized red Speedo come sailing out of the end of the slide. It was not attached to a monster. Sure enough, in quick succession, the other three followed. By this time everyone had cleared out of that area. Eventually I saw two stubby legs at the end of the tube. The screechy, flesh sticking to warm plastice noise continued, interspersed with muffled giggles. Exasperated beyond belief, I got a hose and promptly shot cold water up the slide. This jarred them loose and they all came tumbling out in a heap of wet fur, sans Speedos.

We were immediately asked to leave for the rest of the day.

"Dear UP: Thanks to your hairy friends, I am now forever banned from all YMCA swimming pools." Stressfully yours, the bitch
"Dear Bitch: WTF were you thinking?" Love, UP
"Dear UP: The only plus is that they are totally worn out. They each had one beer and fell asleep. They almost look innocent. I don't know what I was thinking." Love, the bitch